I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
