I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize