It's Friday. Sex?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
