Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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