I will die if light touches me.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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