These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I touched a dick in church today
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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