On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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