Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
