The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
