I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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