I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
where are my eyebrows?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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