Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
