you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
