your thong is hanging out like whoa
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
