He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
