dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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