I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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