his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
