In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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