I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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