What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
