I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
