textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
