I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
