shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize