last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
