I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
