; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
