Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize