Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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