i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
