Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry MerkinMuffley hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(618): View more from Illinois

the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

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(561): View more from Florida

There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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(425): View more from Washington

My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"

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