he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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