babies were throwing up all over the place
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
