How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
