She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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