i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
