i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
birth control should be required to get into college
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
