You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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