sarcasm needs its own font
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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