Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
