true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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