the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
