we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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