I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
