my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
