My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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