I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
