Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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