I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
