I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize