Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
