How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
