Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
