so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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