I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
