Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
